Drama Queen

Hello gurlies, let me spin you a yarn...

First of all,
I miss you, with every fiber in my being. I want to see you guys again, talk to you face to face and ask you what I should do with my life, because I honestly feel like no one here could understand me as much as you guys do and there are moments where I actually feel emotional pain because missing you hurts so much.

Second,
Today completes one WHOLE WEEK on this campus, and while at first I was scared of the nature surrounding me, I now realize that human nature is worse. I have been doing orientation from Thursday to Sunday, and Monday was the first day of actual classes, so I've been getting cozy with my fellow SU-ers. While my classes are fine (and some are actually fun) there has been too much drama and I'm already exhausted. Let me remind you that I have only been on campus for ONE WEEK and already I have dealt with a stalker and rape scare.

Let me begin with my stalker (TT):
He was in my O-Team, a group of freshmen that had an upperclassmen teach them the basics of SU life. At first, he seemed like a cool dude. He gave me the piece of chocolate that the O-Team leaders had distributed and we talked for a bit. The next day he sat next to me at this survey that all the freshmen had to take. Again, we talked for a bit and exchanged numbers (something that everybody had been doing so it wasn't weird nor did I think it sent the wrong message). My girlfriends left us because they finished the survey first, and we ended up walking alone before he left to go to some activity but it turns out that it didn't start until later. Since he lived in a dorm that all of my friends wanted to visit, we asked if he could let us into the building. Once inside another (different) guy asked us to go into his room because he wanted more girls inside, so we quickly decided to leave. TT followed us around the WHOLE NIGHT (including coming back to our residence hall) until we said we had to go to sleep. The next day, he wanted to order pizza and chill in his room... No. See you at the Freshmen-Wide game of Simon Says??.....Sure. Are you going to the party at TRAX (the college nightclub)?....Maybe, I don't know.  Well suffice to say he came to the party and spent the whole time looking for me, and when he found me he did a whole "Oh hey, didn't see you there, what's up?". Guys, my small talk was so small it was the size of an amoeba and as soon as I could I ran into the crowd. Well, he decided to keep looking for me, until he overheard my friends say that we were going to leave, when he left (although he didn't see me stay behind in one of the corners of the club doors). Here's where it gets worse: the next day he comes up to my room UNINVITED while I was taking a nap. Thank goodness my friends were able to get rid of him but the next day, the first day of classes, he texted me asking what my schedule was, and when I didn't respond, he texted me a picture of HIS schedule asking when we could meet up. No response from my end, but that didn't stop him from coming to my room again and giving me a box of M&Ms that he had gotten when he had gone to the movies with the football team. I asked him to leave, which he did, but I was really creeped out so I got my RA involved, and so far I haven't seen or heard from him since.

Now to the rape scare:
At the TRAX party there was a girl {DB} I had just become friends with that day, who had done some pre-gaming (if you know what I mean ;) ). Behind her, trying to get his groove on, was this guy who was being a little too touchy feely with her. He kept trying to lead her into this back room, or upstairs (where there were dark corners with couches) with his hand on the small of her back. We were on high alert when my guy-friend brought it to out attention. But after some questioning we decided to let him walk her back to her dorm (which was in our hallway). However, I didn't really trust him, and called my roommate to ask her to check up on her and make sure she was ok. Well, not only was {DB} drunk as all hell, she was in the room of a girl who had alcohol in her room and the same guy from the party. We all rushed back, and struggled to get her out of the room. When the Vodka-girl wouldn't let us take DB back to her own room, this sophomore that we were with encouraged us to tell an RA (who also happened to be one of her good friends). The RA and HR took care of it, but now every time we see the creeper guy, he gives the girls this look, and my guy-friend this glare.

That night was scary as all hell, not just because of my stalker and the creeper guy, but because everyone on this campus (and during orientation weekend it was just freshmen) was a lil buzzed one way or another. Walking back from the club we saw girls following guys into their rooms and vice-versa, closing the door behind them. One guy tried to grab my friend and pull her somewhere before she was able to break free and run away. That night the girls were nothing but a commodity, something that the guys wanted, and now had the freedom to take. I don't think anyone got raped that night (at least I don't know), but it was scary to think that I wasn't at good ole Hack anymore. I was alone and had to start defending myself, and that made me break down and cry. Not snotty, letting it all out cry, but a soft, teary cry, where your feelings slowly leak out but don't really bust the levees. I didn't feel like anyone here could understand me, and I also hate strangers seeing me cry, so I called some people, but given the fact that it was 12:30 AM, no one answered, except for one guy...and I think we all know where this is going...

HE picked up right away, asking me what was wrong, if I was ok. Now granted, he was drunk, but it was great to hear a familiar voice telling me that it was going to be ok. That if I ever needed anything to call him, and if he didn't pick up that he would call me as soon as he could. To calm down, don't think about your stalker, if the girl is fine now just let it go.Now, I hate myself for loving the sound of his voice, but at that moment, I really needed it, and he stayed on the line until I had to go shower, when he said "Good night, I'll try my best to tuck you in". And the next morning I got a text, "Do u know I still remember YOU CAN CALL ME WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE DOING SO...if I don't pick up its cause I didn't hear/see it and ill hit you up as soon as I do". He called me on move-in day as well, because we had been texting and he knew how panicked I was.

I know that you're all rolling your eyes right now, and I know I'm stupid for letting him in again, but crap has gone down this summer that I never expected, and at this moment he's the closest one (in terms of physcial distance) I have. I want you guys, but if I want to get away I can't visit you at 2 hours away. Given the fact that my roommate is chill, I doubt I'm going to want to leave all the time, but when she goes through her mood swings (like she is right now), all I want is to leave. Living with someone 24/7 is exhausting, and while we try to focus on our commonalities, its hard to look past our basic differences. Sometimes I feel like she dismisses my feelings toward things that I find important, and I know there are things she likes that I don't understand but....I don't know...its different. Like when I was crying she kind of huffed and gave me a hug, because she knew there was no reason I should be crying, but that it would have been mean of her not to console me. She's sweet, but she doesn't get me. I wish I had you guys here to understand...

Tonight there's a movie night outside on the lawn. We're watching Captain America 2, and all I can think of is movie nights in boarding, or sleepovers, watching movies on our laptops. I miss that.

Slapping a smile on my face is getting harder, my laugh is starting to feel forced, but I refuse to give up. Ya'll know that I'm a stubborn S.O.B, and I'll continue on in order to get through this. I can't go back to high school, we can't go back in time, all we have are the memories, along with the power to affect our future. I'm going to continue moving forward, and gosh, this is probably going to end up as fodder for a slam poem (and I intend on joining the Slam Poetry team, which has a yearly trip to HIS college, which was another slap from the universe but whatever).

Damn, this is long....

Look like a girl,
Act like a lady,
Think like a man,
Work like a boss, ;)

Miss you,
Marisa <3