*Starts Hyperventilating*

I have rewritten this post a bunch of times and each time it has come out wrong. It has been with too glum or too melodramatic or too silly. I am sort of feeling all the feels when it comes to going off to college and I don't really know what to do about it. I feel like I have no idea what in the world I have gotten myself into. Right now, when I think about college the feels are like 50% worry, 20% actual physical discomfort deep in my chest, 12% guilt, 10% excitement, and 8% confusion.

I don't know. College is advertised as the best time of your life, and I don't know if I buy that at this point. There are just too many feelings being felt when I start thinking about going away. I start thinking of all the people I am going to miss (you guys) and how I totally wasted this summer (#couchpotato) and how I have been 18 for two months as of today and how I have done nothing with my life and how I am totally unqualified to go to college and that I am just going to be a complete failure and *starts hyperventilating*

And that is what keeps happening. I feel like nothing could/ should ever be worth this amount of stress. So now I need to rationalize it and talk it out with my computer screen.

Okay a Positive:

My dorm room is gonna be the bomb-digity (if we ignore the other half). All of you who have been in my room know I definitely have a special touch when it comes to dorm decorating ( I am available  for consulting if needed). Also I have two windows on the fourth floor, so awesome views right. Also there are hardwood floors. No elevator so that is going to be a pain moving in, but ya know exercise is good. Also I am getting to campus early, so first dibs, I will take no prisoners, move out of my way because I am taking my territory. Also my wardrobe struggles have been acknowledged by the Gods, so I have been feeling very happy.

A source of anxiety:

In creating a dorm/ roommate pairing the big W looks to create " the best and most diverse" environment. I don't know about you, but that sounds kind of social experimenty to me. Like is the goal of the college just to mush a bunch of people of differnt backgrounds together and hope they all become the bestest of friends. In my experience that usually doesn't happen, even under the best conditions. I also don't like the idea of being the "diversity factor" in this situation. It makes me feel wired and gross. I dont want to be the source of someone else's cultural enrichment, or at least I don't like that that is what my supposed position in the dorm is supposed to be. I don't want to be the resident POC.  I might just be politicizing something that is actually no big deal, but I dunno right now I am worried.

Positive:

My classes are gonna be pretty great, if I do say so myself. Intro to Mechanics, because everyone loves them some physics, especially Marisa. Drawing 1, because even though its sounds like it is for basic beaches I am going to rock it, two hours of art two times a week, let's go! Borrowing and Stealing: An Introduction to Originality in Literature and Culture, because even though the title is crazy long it is going to be crazy cool and will help be deal with my fear that anything I ever make will be derivative of something else. Speaking of derivatives, Multivariable Calculus! yeah... that's just there so I don't forget how to do it. So yes school is going to be great and not at all scary.

Concern:

This. This is very concerning. Please scroll, read, be enlightened. Some of this is very not good, very not good. It also raises my concerns as to how I am going to fit into this place. As you all know I have a very... Unique personality, and I honestly don't know how any of you ended up my friends, so my question is how on earth am I going to be able to make new ones? Advice, suggestion, help?

Positive:

I have rediscovered the internet. In my state of perpetual sloth I have found Stylelikeu. It has been a godsend and has filled many of my hours. I especially like the what's underneath project. Summer is usually when I reboot my style, and this has been very helpful.

Positive:

I have this blog to keep in touch with all of you

Best Wishes,
Jordan :)